I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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