you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
