i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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