I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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