my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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