I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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