My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
