I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
