Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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