Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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