I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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