Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Still dying that you shit outside
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
