Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
