He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
