she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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