I want to make a zoo with you.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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