and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
