Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
