I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
