You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
That accounts for only three of the penises
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
