I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
