Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
