Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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