I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
