Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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