im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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