I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
