Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
