I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
