Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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