My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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