sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
