hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
