I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
