Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
