I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
