I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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