Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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