Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
