A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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