Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
