We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
