I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
one two three fourrrrnication!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
