you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
