MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
