My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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