I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
