I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
