i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
