I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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