if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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