oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
