That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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