I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
love makes seman taste better
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Randomize
